06/03/2013
a women’s choice
I had the strangest conversation with a middle-aged (I'm picking in her 60's) woman recently whom I met through a friend, it went something like this…
Her: So what do you do Tammi?
Me: I’m a stay at home mum
Her: Goodness, don’t you find that terribly boring? What do you do with yourself all day?
Me: There is never a dull moment in our house. Some days are cruise-y while others are full on from the time I wake till the time I tumble into bed.
Her: Full on doing what?
Me: Um, looking after my home and family.
Her: How tedious!
Me: Actually, I really enjoy it. It’s given me the chance to be at home with all of our babies until they started school and allowed me to pursue crafty endeavours, build relationships with friends and do volunteer work when I am able. Besides, I’ve always wanted to be a mother and housewife…I’m living my dream
Her: I couldn’t think of anything worse. How many children do you have?
Me: Five
Her: Good grief! Five? What on earth possessed you to have five children?
Me: We’ve always wanted a large family
Her: Well I hope you’re done
the conversation continued for a few more minutes, before I excused myself, and as much as I wanted to ask her what concern it was of hers, I restrained myself as she was just expressing her opinion, however negatively it came across. I did however leave that conversation feeling a little judged and criticised for my choice of ‘career’ (yes I do consider my role in life a career choice) and it got me to thinking “why is it that being a stay at home mother is not considered ‘good enough’? and why do we criticise those mothers who, for whatever reason, return to work?" Whatever happened to supporting a women’s choice, whether that be making a 'career’ for themselves as a homemaker or in the workforce?
I was reminded of that conversation today when a friend and I were discussing this very issue. The negative opinions of those who cast judgement or are unsupportive of stay at home mums both saddens and angers me just as it does when the tide is turned on working mums. It seems that no matter what decision we make as mothers, there is always someone who will frown upon it and make us feel inadequate. While I find my role to be both challenging and rewarding, raising the next generation is the most important role I have ever undertaken just as it is for any parent. Just because I choose to be a stay at home mother doesn't make me any better or less so than my fellow mothers, it makes me me.
I get that some women choose to return to work after having children, I admire those who can maintain a healthy work/life balance and I completely understand that some, through necessity, need to return to the workforce but I don’t get why those who can and want to stay at home are pressured to do otherwise. How about we offer encouragement and support to all the mothers in our lives whatever path they have taken. Accept that their choice is theirs to make and let them know what an incredible job they are doing..kind words go a long way. And know that YOU too are doing an incredible job!
Tammi x
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26 comments:
What a fantastic post!!!!
Encouraging words & loving support will help someone touch the sky <3
oh you showed a lot of restraint by not telling her to mind her own business.
I was a working mum and I struggled daily to find the right balance. I loved my job, I loved my kids and my husband. But it was my family that suffered. One day I left the house in disarray, drove to school with the youngest reading her reader in the car to me, the oldest doing her hair and the middle one learning a times-table, all while I was thinking about how I could get a little boy to read.
It was that day that I told the principal I had to quit. He understood fully.
Now I dabble in a bit of relief teaching, but it's on my terms. When I want to and when I have the energy.
I love being at home. Like you say it's opened up options I would never have thought of before. Our kids are only going to be young for so long - as you well know. And as for five kids - what a blessing!
Great post Tammi!
xx Tash
Great post!
Thanks for sharing ;o)
I love this post and find it so extremely insensitive of someone to have said that to you, my jaw is on the ground. I don't know what I would do if anyone said these kinds of things to me! Though I doubt I would have handled it as well as you!
People like this remind me of what I would NOT like to become in my old age. I hope to be such a calm, peaceful and accepting old lady with a big smile who has let go of most, if not all of her anger and judgement. It's a work in progress! x
I'm flabbergasted that woman would say all those things to you! What a judgemental old nosy parker. Kellie xx
I'm sorry you had such an experience, and I'm sorry that the woman who spoke to you didn't see that amazing little world we get a snap shot into every time you post (or see one of your amazing dresses for that matter). Wouldn't it be an amazing thing if instead of those words of disparagement she spend the time praising you!Or admiring someone who has chosen a different path than her own... one day :)
Well said Tammi! I have been thinking about writing a similar post myself. Would you mind if I share this post on Facebook? I think it's important. xxoo
I completely agree! I've written a few posts about this, feeling the need to justify my decision to be a stay at home mum. It's sad that people can't see just how important a role it is. It was always my dream too, how lucky we are..x
I have also run into people with similar comments on my choice of staying home too. After deciding to be part of the organised workforce for two and a half years, six years ago, I couldn't wait to be able to organise my own day and timetable, be spontaneous and not have to answer to a boss any more. I realised then what I hadn't missed all the years I'd stayed at home raising kids! It's a pity this woman didn't have enough manners to even respect the choices you've made.
I don't think I would have been as polite. I too have chosen to stay at home. I was a full time working mum from when my eldest was 9 months old. I wanted to do it differently this time round. When I go to Mr H's work functions I get asked "so what do you do" when I say I'm a stay at home mum, you can see their eyes glaze over. So annoying. xo
Great post,I love being a SAHM ,so does my family. Notice how most criticism comes from women and rarely men,why are women so catty?
Some people really should just mine their own. I think you handled the situation with such grace.
We are so lucky that we can choose what makes us, our children and families happy.
Katexx
What a wonderful post, Tammi. You've said everything I've always said as a stay at home mum {home schooling mum}. That woman would've really grated on me, big time. Yo uare amazing to be gracious and not get narky. It is most definitely, without a doubt, THE most important job anyone can do and I'm so tired of having to justify it to people who don't feel the same way. Here's to parenting and home making and all of those things that give our kids memories to cherish. xx
Wow Tammi, what a great post. I am constantly astonished at the things people/complete strangers say to each other... in general. But I agree, we seem to be a very opinionated society when it comes to mothers and their choices... and at times, it gets me down. I have been a full time stay at home Mum now for almost 18 months and I can honestly say, at this point in time, it is definitely for me. I too, do not appreciate the way some people put down being home with the children and making a home for the family. My Mum devoted her whole life to raising and caring for her 7 children and says she never regrets one minute of it. That to me, is an amazing woman. You are absolutely right too, it is the most important job in the world, whether people want to face that fact or not. What a shame you had to encounter such a rude woman and what a shame she obviously never experienced the joy of being at home and nurturing little ones. She missed out.
xoxo
Oh Tammi! I believe that no-one should judge anyone's decision to go back to work/choose to stay home/or both.
What a great post. Don't you dare feel badly because it wasn't what she would have chosen.
Motherhood is the most important thing anyone can do, and how you choose to do it, is completely your choice.
I'm a girl who loves my life. I have no idea how to balance life/work so it works for everybody, but I do my best. I'd love not to work, and I'm so blessed to be able to work from home and not have to put my children into child care. Not every mum has that choice, and not everyone would choose what I have, or you.
Can you tell I get a bit passionate about this? Me, and every other girl, including you ;) xxx
Wow how nasty and judgemental!
But you are right though.... For every person judging people who are "just mothers" there seems to be another judging those "selfish mothers" who "dump their children in those nasty child prisons"....
As mothers we just can't seem to win!
For me I am greedy and like to have my cake and eat it too. I enjoy now working part time and being at home the rest. But I'm so glad I have the privilege of choosing that option and that I've been able to stay home with my girls. I wouldn't swap that for the world!!
You are an amazing Mum and inspiration to all of us who know you so just ignore that conversation ever happened...
Xxx
WOW! What nerve... But I guess like you said... She was just voicing her opinion. Still she could have kept that to herself.
I came from a home where I did not have a stay at home mom or dad. I can remember at one time being confused as to who my parents were. I can remember asking my mother one day when would my parents come and get me. If you think about it it's truly sad.
You see I think the reason I was confused was that she took me to day care when I was asleep in the mornings and picked me up very late in the day so I didn't have much waking time with her.
So I want to say and I know this sounds funny or weird coming from someone you don't know but I am proud of you! You and all stay at home parents are giving your children a gift that no one else in this world ever could and that makes you an exceptional woman. Your children will not grow up unsure of who their parents are.
Great Job! xxx
Great post Tammi and I think we need to hear, circulate and learn from these stories again and again. More power to you.
well done you for not really letting rip! I think that last comment about being "done" would have sent me over the edge! Kudos to you...some people are just naturally pessimistic...you should have asked her if she were married and had adult children...I dare say the answer was no...Gee I wonder why!!! I love being a stay at home mumma too Tammi...lets not anyone get us down xx
Its funny Tammy, I usually get a very different response, especially from elderly ladies."When are you having another baby" why are you working full time with a 2 year old" I constantly feel judged. I wish women would just support each other with the choices they have made for themselves and their families!
Well said Tammi. I too love being a mum and homemaker and wouldn't change my role for the world. Sometimes I feel a bit unambitious, but than I think that as you say, I"m just being 'me'and if being home makes me happy, than so be it :)
Goodness me! I guess you can only feel sorry that some people just never experience the joy and contentment that can be found staying at home. Lacking in ambition (which I always thought was a bad thing), I've come to accept that this is who I am and you cannot really change yourself. Now I just embrace home life as my chosen career, which I know you have Tammi x
Here here! I've had similar conversations too. You did well to save your breath. You can't change the mind of people like that. You can only be yourself and keep doing the wonderful job you are doing and show others how important your job is by your example. xx
PS. Have you seen any of Rhonda's post on Down to Earth blog about home making as a chosen profession? They are supportive and inspiring. :)
Oh I have stopped counting the number of times something similar has been voiced to me, perhaps not so blatantly though. I think most of these kind of comments come from those who sadly didn't find the same joy in stay at home mumming as I have. You responded graciously and bottom line we should be less judgmental and more supportive of each other as mums, as women.
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